Honestly it is very hard to see and accept our own weakness or failure. It takes courage to do it. It also needs a big heart to admit that we still have the weakness. It applies to any weakness we have.
Many times we prefer to be denial. But if we really want to change ourselves we have to embrace the weakness. Probably we need to hug ourselves and empower ourselves. Just do it if it works for you. You are the #1 support when you are down. Don’t depend on anyone to do it for you.
A friend told me that she was feeling bad about herself knowing that she was so consumtive. She said to me that she could not control her spending. She realized it after completing her financial worksheet. She said something really funny. She said “After effect of completing this financial worksheet is that I am not feeling well, a little bit dizzy, not comfortable with my stomach etc”.
She is such a funny person with a sense of humor and very honest too. I was laughing actually hearing this from her. I could imagine how she would express it on her face.
I remembered that I gave her the worksheet long time ago after sharing how I control my spending religiously to her. I also review my financial report on monthly basis. It gives me a sense of control.
Everyone is a finance manager.
I congratulated her on this. I encouraged her to keep doing it. I know my colleagues stopped doing it after making some trials. They said that they were not consistent enough to do it. Though they are Finance Managers or Accounting Managers. Jokingly they said to me : “You are more finance than me.”
It is not easy to see the self being a failure. Dealing with the self (including dealing with oneself’s failure) is not always easy. Probably you need to practice self-awareness.
Do you like working with a target? Do you always set a target for yourself? If yes, how do you prefer to set your target? Is it yearly basis, monthly basis, weekly basis or even daily basis?
After having continuous 100 day projects for a year I learned something. I love working with a target or a deadline. It is not 3 month basis or 100 day basis actually but a daily basis. In the case of my project, to complete the 100 days is not my goal or my target. My goal has to do with belief change, something deeper in my mind not just something on paper. It has to do with my understanding something or the way I think of something.
The project has made me to be committed by dedicating my first few hours in the morning for this project everyday. And it has become part of my morning routine. It has become my habit now.
Very recently I had a project with a friend to create a program for the community. The program would a public talk.
Give me a deadline!
When I talked to her on the phone for the first time discussing about what we needed to do to start, I asked to her to submit a topic. Quite instantly she asked me a very surpising yet interesting question ‘When would be the deadline? Give me a deadline!’
I really liked this question. I hardly found anyone with this response. It means to me that she also likes working with a target or a deadline. I said to her the deadline would be in 3 days time. It would be on Wednesday. And she committed to what she asked, she submitted her proposal on Tuesday. One day earlier from the deadline.
She also made time for a meeting with me online to discuss the topic.
My friend just shared to me her plan to join a marathon competition. The marathon will be held in August 2023 in Bali. And she has been practicing for the last three months. She runs at least 10 k every second day. In between she practices strengtening exercise to strengten her feet. She said it is very essential for a runner to have strong feet. She joins a group for this exercise.
I never thought about it. I never thought that to run, you need to learn. I thought everybody can do it without knowing any theory. I am just too naive.
She looks more athletic now. I could see that she is in shape now. We were having 10k steps (not meters 😜) in a botanical garden recently.
I am really proud of those who have such a determination to join a marathon. It takes persistence.
I enjoyed her sharing very much and it have led me to start practising the exercise. To strengten my feet. Don’t get me wrong. I am not going to join any marathon competition. I am far from getting ready to join one.
But she has made me realize that this exercise is very important for everybody. Not only for a runner or an athleete. And I start practicing it now. I think I need this balance – taking care my body and my soul. I have been into taking care of my soul more. 😊
A friend asked me to join her group on abundance challenge not long ago. She was joining the 21 day challenge on abundance. I said to her that I was not able to join it. I joined exactly the same challenge a few years ago.
She asked me if the challenge worked for me or not. I didn’t want to make her demotivated. I said that it worked for me. I completed the challenge for 21 days. I remembered that I was the only one in the group who completed till the day 21st. Then I created my own challenge on the same subject for another 100 days with 100 daily points to reflect. I found having created my own challenge, I became more committed and more encouraged to complete it.
21 days was not enough for me to change a mindset on particular thing, 100 days worked more effectively with me. I enjoyed this challenge more.
It works!!
Most of us do not like any challenge in life, because the challenge is mostly from the external. But this one is created on purpose by yourself, to bring some permanent changes in you, to make you progress. When the challenge is from the internal, you will enjoy it. You will feel excited about it.
I noticed some changes in my attitude around money. I noticed that I became more generous in donating, giving tips to the taxi driver. I don’t overthink after spending money or investing it. I don’t regret for any decision around finance I made even it was not the best decesion. I can easily move on. I become more grateful for any amount of money I have. I give more value to each penny I get. I know what is enough for me.
I am still taking this challenge even up until now.
A friend said that it is very rare to come across a woman who is able to forgive her husband for abandoning his family and responsibilities. Then he also said this: ‘This woman must be highly spiritual’.
I agree with the first statement but not the second one.
It is very true not many people can accept betrayal, especially in marriage. It ussually leaves so much hurt and many people carry this hurt for a long time. Some process it and learn to accept it and then forgive, but some just keep carrying it mentally, and do not move on. Some even carry it along till the end (death). It does take time to forgive. It does take a big and strong heart. It also takes courage, determination and persistance. So I agree with him.
I don’t think that those who are able to forgive and move on is always highly spiritual. At least this is what I see in my colleague’s mom. She is just a normal person. She has light and relaxed nature. She shares love and happiness around her. She is a warm-hearted person. Very far from a spiritual person (at least in my perception). My impression of a spiritual person is one being serious and not practical. They ussually do not have warm hearts. They become aloof – distant, closed and not friendly.
Spirituality needs to be applied in a practical life. Otherwise it remains theoritical. It only stays in the head. It doesn’t make any different in one’s life or in others.
Spirituality has to be expressed in a practical way, like a lotus expresses its beauty practically.
The aim of learning spirituality is to change the self. It begins with a self- realization that something needs to be changed inside. One is not satisfied with his current reality.
By applying spirituality in a daily practical life, one actually brings it into a feeling (in the heart). Then it will bring some changes in the level of action, behaviour, nature, mindset, way of percieving things, way of giving a response etc.
My colleague has an interesting and nice personality. She has so much fun.
We can easily feel that she is coming from a harmonious family and has been raised with so much love. She always expresses love and patience around her.
None of us would have thought that she is coming from a ‘broken family’. Her parents divorced when she was still very young, she didn’t understand anything what was happening to her parents. Since then her mom became a single parent for her and her elder sister.
Her mom is a school teacher. She teaches chemistry. I remembered that I was not good at this subject. I didn’t like this subject. My school teacher of this subject was a very very strick teacher. She was just too scary for me. I was so nervous. Chemistry was not a fun subject like Math or Physic. I liked Math but not Chemistry. I think it was because of the teacher more than the subject. I think most of us was very stressfull everytime having this subject.
Unlike my teacher in school, my colleague’s mom is a very nice personality. Her hard life in the past has shaped her into a very strong and independent person. My colleague often describes her mom as ‘a strong independent woman who needs no man’. I think this is the right way to describe her. She also has a very big heart.
She has taught her two daughters to forgive and love their dad who left them since they were young. I think they have forgiven him.
Only recently they had a dinner birthday for her father after office hour. I met them all at the loby of our office building. My colleague was picked up by her mom and dad accompanied by their little grand son and grand daughter from their first daughter.
The family was united again in the dinner. A very intimate birthday dinner. Few from their close family were also invited. I imagined that her dad was so happy with this reunion and feeling so much loved.
Happy birthday Papa!
I am always touched by a mom’s story of strength and courage.
I also remembered once I was in a business trip to visit our office in Sulawesi. During our lunch time a colleague there told me about his mom who was still very active teaching English at home. Students came to her house after school. She was at her seventies at that time. He also told me how much he loved her and having her as inspiration. I said to him that I wanted to meet her. So, he took me to her house after office hour before he drove me to the hotel where I stayed. I talked to her for hours. We felt like we had known each other for so long. Like two old friends meet.
How do you feel when someone knows what you feel, your real feeling? Do you feel uncomfortable? Do you feel afraid? Or is it just quite alright with you?
I didn’t feel comfortable when others knew my feeling especially related to health issue (when I have a health issue). Many people very often become instant doctors and start giving you opinion about what you should do. They would relate stories related to the issue, ussually based on someone’s experience. They would ask many questions. The way they ask questions sometimes is so intimidating.
When we have health issue very often we need emotional support from them not informations, not stories, not advices. You don’t need all of these from them. You only need to listen to the doctor for what to do. Very often these people are making you nervous and worried, instead of making you relaxed and peaceful. Worries do not contribute anything good to a speedy recovery.
I remember about two years ago when I got covid, I only shared it to a very few people around me. My direct boss, a colleague, one family member, a neighbour and a doctor. I was in a quaranteen. I only communicated with them. Well, it is about a physical health issue.
I am quite open in sharing my feeling about other things. I ussually put it in my journal books or in this blog. When I write them in journals, I will write it as clear as possible and if I need to put someone’s name I will surely do it. Because I always believe this is a healthy way to let the feelings out from my heart. And this is how a healing can take place.
My journal books, where the healing takes place.
When I shared one of my healing journals to a friend very recently she wrote back to me : This is authentic. A healing in a brutal (raw) form.
Actually I was happy reading her feedback. This has confirmed me that being open in expressing the feeling out is better than keeping it inside.
She actually also likes journaling. Mostly she does it in her laptop. Encrypted. So nobody can read it. She said that she didn’t feel comfortable if others knew her feeling or her thoughts.
I don’t mind people know my feelings (most of the time), otherwise this blog would not be created. Even it someone whose name written in my journal, someone who has annoyed me or hurt me finally read it, I don’t mind at all. By the time she or he is reading it, the feeling would have finished. And I am ready to be so honest saying this : ‘This was my feeling about you at that particular time. I don’t have this feeling anymore’.
Any feeling ussually does not last long time. Some fades very quickly, unless you nurture it within you ðŸ¤. If it makes you feel uncomfortable just let it go. To write it is to let it go.
I shared to my roomates my daily agenda during the retreat time. It was my personal time table. I was very much aware of how I would spend each day and each hour during the retreat. I wanted to give value to my time there and also to give the best benefit for myself.
I wrote down my daily agenda from the time I woke up till the time I went to bed. I blocked the time in hours. It is about activities or tasks to do. What made it different is that I put small goals to achieve in the agenda. The goals are the outcomes.
I prepared the agenda on my bed in our dormitory. I said to my roomates who were happenedly there at that time.
‘I made a daily agenda for myself.’ I said. One of them them came to me to have a look at my agenda. I said to her that by having this agenda, I would get a sense of accomplishment for each goal or a task completed. She could relate to my reasoning.
Since a retreat is ussually very much to do with internal work (using mind, intellect and heart) through activities like meditation, reflection, classes, workshop, sharing etc…the outcomes for me would be in the form of a written reflection. So the goal I put in my agenda would be 10 journals a day or 10 written reflections. This was my daily goals, at least.
I blocked the first four hours everyday to write 3 journals on my personal projects – it was about spirituality, health and relationship. One journal each. And I did it in the main hall after meditation. The atmosphere in the hall after morning meditation of a big group was very peaceful and powerful. The hall was almost empty, most of the time, only me stayed in the hall in such morning hours. Most programs were conducted in this hall – especially meditation and classes. Then continued to morning class and breakfast.
I completed another 3 journals of reflection from the morning class before breakfast. I did it outdoor in the corner of the campus while enjoying the morning sun rays and being accompanied by beautiful birds and squirells. It was very nice there. Only after finishing these 3 journals, I went for my breakfast.
Journaling outdoor with this scene was marvelous.
The rest of the 4 journals, I did in the afternoon or evening. I also did some experiments with different timing and also different places including in the park, dining hall, on the roof behind our dormitory or on my bed. This experiment was also fun.
I also put some tasks to complete in my agenda, like doing my laundry and ironing my clothes.
Each time a goal or a task was completed, I was feeling very good. Completing a small task gave me a sense of accomplishment. This is what made me feel so good.
A big success is built in small success everyday. Do not wait till your big goal is accomplished, start enjoying the sense of success from your small accomplishment. It is said that our success is hidden in our daily routine. I think it is so true.
I remember after completing my ironing, carrying my clothes and entering the dormitory, I saw my two roomates were talking to each other. One was sitting on my bed, she is from Germany and the other one was standing near her, the one from UK.
I said to them ‘my life is complete today.’ Hearing this from me, they started laughing. A big laugh. I could see from the face of the one from Germany. It turned red. They could not stop laughing.
‘Was it funny?’ I said in my heart. I just shared my feeling of having a sense of accomplishment of that day. Sharing my happiness.
Then one of them asked me the reason why I made that statement. I said to both of them “My life is complete today because I have done my laundry and also my ironing.”
They might think such a small accomplishment did not deserve that much happiness.
This is still about the retreat I joined very recently.
We were accomodated in a dormitory with a capacity of 10 people. When we arrived the accomodation was almost full. For such situation we need to prepare ourselves to share a room with people we didn’t know or never met before. I only met one of them at Changi airport on our way to India and since then we travelled together and became roomates.
We walked in the room which had already been occuppied by the other 7 people. Some of them were in the room at that time. We asked them the unoccupied beds for the two of us. One of them said the first bed near the front door and the third bed were vacant . Another one was across the third bed.
Somehow before arriving, I visualized a bed near the front door and I got it. I was very happy about it. I did not see any luggage under the bed, so I was quite sure that the bed was not taken. I got myself ready to unpack my stuff until one of them said to me: ‘This bed was taken by this sister (pointing the second bed). Better you sort it out. Because you are younger.’
Then another one said : ‘But she moved to the second bed last night.’
My mind was trying to understand what the first person said. I started thinking ‘How old is the sister next to me? What kind of person is she? Is she a difficult character?’ These thoughts occuppied my head.
The way she was telling me to sort it out gave me an impression that she might be a difficult personality. I could not talk to the person who took the second bed because she was not there at that moment.
I was actually feeling a bit dizzy after several hours journey by taxi that took us to that place. That place was situated almost on top of Mount Abu. What I needed to do was to sleep. I decided to sleep to give my mind a rest and not think how I would talk to this ‘difficult’ person.
I woke up at 4 pm. I thought I had a good rest.
I opened my eyes and looked around. I found nobody was there in the room except the one who occupied the second bed. Knowing that I was awake, she said to me very softly and sweetly : ‘Are you Tini from Indonesia?’ While showing her notebook with my name written on it. I said ‘Yes. How do you know my name?’
‘This sister here (pointing the third bed) told me your name.’ She said.
And she showed me her name and her country of origin written in her notebook for me to read.
I kept telling myseft that I was ready for such situation. To share a room with people I never knew before, from different backgrounds and countries and also personalities was not something new.
I also kept telling myself ‘This is to learn to develop power to tolerate, power to adjust and power to accomodate.’ These are the powers of the hearts. Not physical powers, but spiritual powers. Because it doesn’t refer to our physical heart, but our non-physical heart (the soul).
In life, we need this power more and more. We need these powers to deal with situations and people everyday.
So sharing one room with completely new people for two weeks was giving me a really good lesson to practise these powers.
In fact we could blend really well in just few days. We cared for one another, supported one another and also inspired one another. We really enjoyed each one’s company. They were all sweet and nice. None was a difficult personality. 😊
Actually the two of us became good friends.
Thisis one of my favourite corners for my reflection during the retreat.
For any travelling, I always prepare myself especially the things I have to pack. I don’t want to have something left behind that probably will ruin my traveling.
For this, I always make a list of things I have to bring considering the purpose of the traveling, how long and also how far including clothes. The longer the traveling, ussually the longer the list becomes. This list shows the details. I put them categories : 1. Travel documents 2. Clothes (tops) 3. Clothes (buttoms) 4. Clothes (inners) 5. Clothes (underwears) 6. Footwears 7. Electronics 8. Luggage and bags 9. Books and pen 10. Cleaning products and cosmetic products 11. Medicine 12. Food 13. Misceleneous like umbrella, sun glasses, tumbler and many more
The list can become really long. The longer the stay, the longer the list. It depends on each individual and also each one’s priority.
This list really helps my memory, it doesn’t have to think unnecessarily. The longer the trip, the earlier I prepare the list.
I remember I jumped out of the bed in the middle of the night remembering I had not put a pen refill in my luggage and my flight was the first flight in the next morning. It was a vacation trip. I prepared myself to write during that trip so enough pen refills was essential for this trip.
My roomate in the retreat program recently was amazed when I told her that I made the list three weeks before the date of our departure and I packed my stuff a week before. She only did her packing one day before the date of her departure. She became more amazed when I showed my list. It showed the details.
She said to the other roomates that I had everything including umbrella, kettle for boiling water, cable extension, coffee, scissor, trekking stick, envelope, knife, ginger candy etc. Until in the last few days of our stay one of them asked if she could borrow a weight scale from me to weight her luggage and I replied: ‘Probably one thing I don’t have here is a weight scale.’ 😊
I also remembered when a friend offered me for a staycation with her last year. It was in new year eve. We stayed in one of 5-star hotel in the middle of the city. I did my packing one day before. I arrived at the hotel at 11 am and I called my friend to tell her that I had arrived at the hotel. Our plan was to do an early check-in so we could explore the hotel to know what facilities and what programs they had that we could participate. To my surprise my friend was telling me that she had not packed her stuff in her luggage. She was just about to do it. She was still at home and she didn’t have any list.
I waited for her at the loby of the hotel and finally we checked in at 2 pm. It was fine with me. I went around the reception area and found a ballroom which had a table tennis and I played table tennis with a teenaged boy who was happenedly there. I enjoyed it. We actually had a pleasant and memorable stay.
Song of the Heart 